Family
has a deep and lasting impact on everyone, it can be good or bad. The
most important thing is love and honesty regardless of your families
formation: biological, blended, fostering or adoption.
Our
family is a mix. We have two sons and a daughter. All three are unique
in their gifts, talents, personalities and challenges. They are equally a
blessing in our life and like most parents – we couldn’t imagine our
life being normal without any of them.
Our
family was tough to form. I suffered major post natal depression after
both boys. We wanted more kids but the thought of going back “there”
seemed unbearable.
Before
having kids my husband and I both discussed and were drawn to the idea
of adoption. It seemed a simple concept to us – one plus one equals two
right??
There
were kids that needed families due to the sad circumstances in their
life, or poverty in their country; and there are parents who would love
to have more kids in their family. I guess my naïve view was that there
must not be enough adoptive parents because the statistics on kids in
orphanages or permanent foster care as state wards was growing out of
control. But as an accountant I should know that one plus one equals
whatever you want it to be. And in the case of kids needing a family –
the answer is sadly not two.
Starting the adoption journey
So
we started down the adoption route in NSW – we were screened and
attended a three day workshop where it felt the social workers were
doing everything to talk us out of adoption. I was confused – it seemed
odd they needed to spend three days telling everyone that their adopted
child would be damaged, not perfect and sometimes hard to manage.
There
was value in learning the impacts of early trauma on a child, how they
might work through emotions and how much more loss they have to deal
with. But the social workers at the workshop made adoption sound like a
bad thing and a last resort for infertile parents.
This
attitude in NSW DOCs really bothered me. Every biological parent I
know (ourselves included) knows that kids don’t arrive perfect. They
cry, they throw tantrums, they fail subjects at school, they bully or
are bullied and use fowl language when you are out of earshot. But most
parents love their kids and do the best they can for them, because they
are their kids, not because they are perfect. The remainder of parents
create our sadly very large foster care system.
Undeterred,
we decided to push ahead. If a little child needed a family we were not
going to take away that opportunity because of ‘some’ (not all) tired
government workers.
Choosing inter-country adoption
Fortunately
we had the opportunity to go to Hong Kong with my work for a few years
and we discovered expat adoption groups for Australians existed in many
countries – including Hong Kong.
We
found an adoption facilitator who had a good reputation and perfect
track record of honest adoptions. They did not charge exorbitant fees
for services and also provided verifiable background information for all
the children that they did adoptions for. I don’t believe that the
majority of people in adoption are corrupt – I am a realist and accept
that some are. We were adamant that we would not feed corruption or
become part of that system.
Through
our adoption facilitator we went through the legal processes, home
assessments, checks and proof of financial stability. We provided
extended family references showing that an adopted child was wanted and
would be loved and accepted by everyone in our family circle were
completed.
Bringing our daughter home
After
two years and turning our little study in our little apartment in Hong
Kong into what seemed like an international law office – we arrived home
in Australia with our beautiful daughter and as a family of five.
The
process was long, bumpy and scary. But when I met my daughter five
years ago, who weighed less at nine-months-old than my boys did at
birth, I just wanted to hug and feed her.
Her
full adoption circumstances are her own to tell when she is an adult.
We cry over the loss of her birth family together, are thankful she was
able to spend nine months with her birth mum – and are so grateful for
all the support we have received from our friends and family. This
extended network continues to support the great work being done in
Ethiopia.
We
live in a world full of sad things but there was a happy ending for
these five smiling faces that have a loving bond for life. It may seem
picture perfect, it’s not. There will always be heartache and
challenges. But that goes for every human being because no family is
perfect, but a loving family is the best start to any person’s life.
Poverty leads to children without family
After
spending time overseas in the orphanages and in charities that work at
trying to keep children with their birth parents and the seemingly
impossible task of helping them – my heart was signed sealed and
delivered to our daughter. The orphanages do the best they can with
little resources. Thankfully, many adoptive families form long-lasting
relationships and provide financial support to their child’s birth
country. Feeding programs, removal of social stigma of unwed mothers are
all things we hope to see happen in these countries so that more birth
parents can survive and raise their children. However poverty is a
reality and it leads to death and a lack of education and the result is
children without family who are institutionalised. I guess I harp on
this point to combat the ill-informed comments that people make about
adoption so they can feel good about themselves or be like a celebrity.
It's simply not true.
Improving adoption in Australia
It
took months of hard work to adopt our daughter overseas. This is
compared to the years it would have taken to adopt domestically in
Australia. I believe the development of a national, committed department
for adoption is a great start for Australia. Having a dedicated
government adoption body would prevent overwhelming our already
under-resourced local community services departments who need to focus
on keeping Australian kids safe - either with their birth parents or if
necessary in foster or adopted families.
The
hoops the Australian government makes you jump through are safe guards.
And the experience we had with the Australian Consulates on the ground
in Kenya and Hong Kong was the complete opposite to those who churn
paperwork and say "no" to everything back in NSW. They see the poverty
and the orphans, they see the honesty in the motives of Australian
families and are amazingly supportive (with no financial benefit to them
– just extra paperwork that they probably don’t get rewarded for at
performance review time).
We
are stoked that the positive side of adoption is now out in the media.
The past adoption practices created heartache – but I have many friends
and now my kids have many friends who are happy and safe because of the
majority of people who do the right thing and the openness that now
surrounds adoption. We hope the plans to remove the red tape from
adoption in Australia succeed and that National Adoption awareness week
helps to remove the negative stigma around it. The world can do with
more loving families and smiling faces.
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